Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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