1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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