There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
This baby is an asshole
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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