Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
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