"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
Randomize
