I'm lost and stupid without you.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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