a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
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