I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
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