respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
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