Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
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