She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
Randomize
