I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
