It's a miracle Ok Typing texts toYou right now
I looooooove Saturdays!!!!!!!
I am absolutely hammered
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
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