There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
