Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Randomize
