Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
well you're talking to a woman who had glorious sex less than 24 hrs ago so my opinion is biased.
Randomize