I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
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