By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Randomize