your thong is hanging out like whoa
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
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