I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
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