some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
