oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Randomize
