good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
Four minutes until I can fart!
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
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