I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
Randomize
