We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
Randomize
