I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
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