Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
Your topless pictures make me question reality
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize