im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
Randomize
