Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
Randomize
