At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
this is the fourth time i've taken my clothes off for money this year. is that normal for the average college sophomore?
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
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