Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
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