I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
Randomize
