when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
Randomize
