I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
This is the prime rib incident all over again
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Randomize
