Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Randomize
