let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
