i may or may not be watching the land before time
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize