there's paper in my vomit.
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
