I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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