Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
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