dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
