Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
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