so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
I wish there were birth control emojis
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Randomize
