at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
Some milfs here doing some blow
Dad?
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
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