She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Randomize
