Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
