Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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