he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
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