i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
I'm drive I can fine osifer
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
his penis looked like arnold from hey arnold. it was interesting.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Randomize
