So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
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