you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
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