Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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