Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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