I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
