I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
Randomize
