yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
Randomize
