It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
Randomize
