In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
