help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
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