I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Randomize
