when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
I'm just crazy horny about you
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
