Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
