He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Randomize
