I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
Randomize
