Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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