I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
foreskin is a definite game changer
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
