ya dads aren't the best wingmen
A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
the whole time he was cumming, he did the joey lawrence WHOA. over and over. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize